Friendship: When Is It Real?

Luncheon of the Boating Party by Pierre-Auguste Renoir, 1881

         The law does not recognize friendship in any meaningful sense.[1] However to many of us, our friends are closer to us than many or all of our family members. Aristotle said, “friendship is the mutual feeling of goodwill between two people.”[2] It is an act of loving one another. When there is too great a gap between that love for one another, friendship is impossible or does not last.[3] He also suggested that friendship can only be temporary when one friend becomes or is more virtuous than the other. Is this true? Is there a place for friendship in the law? In the workplace?

“He who has many friends has few.” – Aristotle

Jacob: "Where is Audrey? Is she going to join us today?"

Elizabeth: “I don't know. She left our firm a couple of months ago, and I haven't heard from her."

Jacob: "That’s odd. I thought you two were best friends."

Maureen: "So did I. You two were always in each other’s offices, working on cases together, and hanging out together.”

Marcus: "I haven’t heard from her either. I sent her an email to let her know we were getting together today, but she never responded."

Elizabeth: "Yeah me too. She told me she was very busy and would get back to me. I have to admit, I'm a little hurt. I thought we were more than just professional colleagues. Perhaps I was wrong, maybe we weren’t really friends after all."

Marcus: "I think we can often mistake professional colleagues for friends, but then again we have to define what we mean by friends. Aristotle believed that the number of people with whom we can sustain a relationship of friendship, or “perfect” friendship, with is very small. To develop that kind of friendship you have to spend a great deal of time with one another, participate in meaningful activities, and mutually beneficial pursuits. My guess is that this would not apply to most of the people we might refer to as friends."

Maureen: "I think it can sometimes be a mistake to consider office friends as close or best friends. There are certain things that are too sensitive to share in an office environment. For example, I think it can be a mistake to share deep feelings or family secrets with office colleagues, even if we consider them friends.”

Elizabeth: “Really? Why do you think that?”

Marcus: "I think Maureen makes a good point. An office environment does not lend itself to sharing the type of personal details in your life that you would normally share with a close friend. As I think back on my professional career, there have been maybe one or two people with whom I worked, that have remained close as friends. I shared many interests and spent meaningful time with them outside of the office.”

Elizabeth: "Come to think it there are so many types of friends. Office friends, acquaintances, best friends, close friends, etc. I think that the English language has too few nouns to clearly describe the different relationships we call friendships. We use descriptors and adjectives to fully express these different and often multifaceted relationships. Perhaps we even use the word friend too loosely, to fill in the gaps, when it's probably not the appropriate word."

Marcus: "Let’s explore this further. Aristotle believed that a genuine friend is someone who loves or likes another person for the sake of that other person and wishes them goodwill."

Jacob: "So, in order for someone to be a friend do we have to like them, or love them?"

Maureen: "That question gets at the heart of the different levels of friendship. I can think of many people who I refer to as friends, but I can't say that I love them. On the other hand, there are one or two friends who I can honestly say that I love. Their friendship is very different from most other people I might refer to as friends.”

Marcus: "We might be incapable as human beings of having more than a few true friends. Aristotle believed that despite living in large communities we can only have a few true friends, and this has been found to be true by modern science. Evolutionary psychologists have proposed that the larger a community grows, the strength of the bonding between people within groups systematically decreases. For example, most people have a very strong connection their family and very weak connection with their local barista they see almost daily. The average individual has the strongest relationships with only about 5 people at a time. Thus, even though we may know and consider as many as 150 people friends, there are only a handful with whom we develop close and meaningful relationships.”[4]

Maureen: "I find it fascinating when we discover something the classical thinkers pondered over and believed is confirmed by modern science. By using philosophical reasoning, Aristotle also concluded that we can only have a few meaningfully close relationships with a handful of people. And now you are saying modern science concludes that we do not have the psychological capacity to manage a large number of social relationships effectively beyond a group size that Aristotle established 2500 years ago.”

Marcus: "Exactly. Now let’s discuss what Aristotle had to say about the virtue of friendship. Aristotle found that the friendship of young people "seems to aim at pleasure; for they live under the guidance of emotion and pursue above all what is pleasant to themselves and what is immediately before them; but with increasing age their pleasures become different. This is why they quickly become friends and quickly cease to be so; their friendship changes with the object that is found pleasant, and such pleasures alter quickly."[5]

Elizabeth: "Hold on, Marcus I actually remember you telling us that as we age we will forget the names of people that we used to refer to as friends. We will not even be able to remember their faces. I remember Aristotle also said that "when the bloom of youth is passing, the friendship sometimes passes too." Maybe basic emotions and shared pleasures were the basis of my friendship with Audrey.

Marcus: "Aristotle believed that perfect friendship is the friendship of those who are good and alike in virtue. These types of friendship ‘require time and familiarity; as the proverb says, men cannot know each other till they had eaten salt together; nor can they admit each other to friendship or be friends until each has been found lovable and entrusted by the other.’[6] In spending this meaningful time together that they learn each other's virtues and that they see the world similarly and can experience it almost as one.”

“[The] complete sort of friendship between people [are those] who are good and alike in virtue...” Aristotle

Elizabeth: "I've heard it said that we are the average of the four people with whom we spend the most time. The older I get, the more I’ve found that to be true. I think if we hang out with those with similar virtues to ours, those relationships will reinforce those virtues in us.”

Maureen: "I've often wondered why we lose friends that at one time we seemed so close. Perhaps it’s just the passing of the bloom of youth as Aristotle described."

Elizabeth: "When I think about the friendships I had when I was younger, it seems as though the friendship just drifted off, or one of us seemed to change in a way that changed my feelings about that person."

Marcus: "Aristotle raised the question, "of whether friendships should or should not be broken off when the other party does not remain the same.”[7] I think Aristotle rightly observed that “most differences arise between friends when they are not friends in the spirit in which they think they are.”[8] Sometimes we deceive ourselves about someone's character, when they have done nothing wrong, rather our perception of them was wrong."

Elizabeth: "Yes I've experienced that. It's puzzling, but I think when it occurs we should not feel bad about giving up a friendship, and believing we haven't been a good friend. As Aristotle believed there was nothing wrong with breaking off a friendship when a friend has changed, and we are unable to save the relationship."

Jacob: "I do agree with Aristotle that we become the best of friends with those with whom we share virtues, which often seems just as simple as likes and dislikes. But we cannot truly get to know those virtues without spending meaningful time with one another.”

Marcus: "Yes Jacob, and I think Goethe summed it up by saying “friends enhance each other,” and having virtuous friends inspire us to become better people."

Elizabeth: "Now I think I have a better understanding of why Audrey and I weren’t the friends I thought we were. The professional setting doesn't really allow us to share a lot of meaningful time with another person and we were not spending a lot of time outside of work, really getting to know each other’s virtues. Our friendship was based on shared work experiences and professional virtues, but not life experiences or “real life” virtues. Those friendships are typically best left out of the office. But, I have to admit, I'm still a bit hurt that Audrey hasn't stayed in touch with me."

Marcus: "As am I Elizabeth, but I believe we are better to judge her professionally in this situation, rather than her virtue as a friend.”

“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood." - Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Just because the law does not recognize friendship, does not mean that we cannot hold friendships in a professional setting. However, we must recognize that these are few and far between. There is a reason that there are ethics rules against close ties with Judges or opponents or even clients. We must separate the friendships from our professional careers to better serve our clients and avoid the pitfalls of worrying too much about our personal relationships at work. Friendship is important part of the virtuous life. Ancient Greek philosophy believed the goal of life is to maximize happiness by living virtuously, by fulfilling your own potential as a human, and engaging with others, that is family, friends and fellow human beings, in mutually beneficial activities.[9] Doing this outside of work and often is essential to cultivating a loving friendship wherein you are both respectful and happy with your mutual virtues.

References: 

Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, Books VIII and IX.
Hall, Edith, "Why Read Aristotle Today?" Aeon, June 4, 2018, ^{https://aeon.co/amp/essays/what-can-aristotle-teach-us-about-the-routes-to-happiness} 
Phillips, Christopher, Socrates Cafe: A Fresh Taste of Philosophy.

West, Geoffrey, Scale: The Universal Laws of Growth, Innovation, Sustainability, and the Pace of Life in Organisms, Cities, Economies, and Companies, 304 – 307.

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Footnotes:

[1] Lawsuits may be brought by a “next friend” or guardian ad litem. See F.R.C.P. 17(a)(2). The rule goes on to state, “The court must appoint a guardian ad litem—or issue another appropriate order—to protect a minor or incompetent person who is unrepresented in an action.” Black’s Law Dictionary has no definition for a friend, but defines Next Friend as “the name given to a person who acts for a child in the court room.”

[2] Aristotle, Nichomeadean Ethics, Book VIII.

[3] Id.

[4] West, Geoffery, Scale, pp.304-07.

[5] Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, Bk. VIII.

[6] Id.

[7] Id.

[8] Id.

[9] Hall, Edith, "Why Read Aristotle Today?" Aeon.