The Gift of Sitting, Alone

                                     

“All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." -French philosopher Blaise Pascal, circa 1600s. 

  The Covid 19 pandemic presents each of us the rare opportunity to find out who we are and who we want to ‘become.’ To sit quietly by ourselves, and not be anxious about the silence. This is difficult. The human animal is a social being, and not comfortable being alone. Thus, ‘social distancing’ is not only an experience we’ve never had, it is contrary to our very nature.[i] The life you were living, the ‘person’ you were in the process of ‘becoming,’ has been put on hold.

   So now you have been granted ‘time’ to reflect on who that ‘person’ was. In other words, at any point in time we are ‘becoming’ someone. A friend, a lawyer, a parent, a sibling, etc. But have you ever had sufficient time to reflect on what that means? Now you can, and should, but probably won’t. Instead you are probably ‘anxious’ to get back to where you were, who you were ‘becoming.’ (‘Just get me back home’ as Dorothy pleaded in the Wizard of Oz). 

   That ‘anxiety’ is your ego not knowing what to do because it is no longer ‘in control.’ It has difficulty not being in charge, not being ‘seen’. Not being affirmed by your social and professional surroundings. Those ‘surroundings’ have temporarily been left ‘open.’ You have some unexpected freedom from your psychological boss, the ‘ego.’ Will you take advantage of it?

  Looked at in this way, you have been given a great gift. Accept it and you can reflect on the ‘person’ you were ‘becoming’, and more importantly on the ‘being-to-come.’ Who was that future person ‘coming-into-being’? Do you know?  Do you want to know? Well, now is your opportunity. You are no longer ‘surrounded’ by the milieu that tends to mold you. 

  In the end all we have in this brief life is our time, how we decide to ‘spend’ it, and those decisions define the ‘being-to-come’. We are not a static ‘beings’, rather we are always consciously (mindfully) or unconsciously (mindlessly) in the process of ‘becoming.’  And the process of ‘becoming’ is a lifelong project that only ends with our death.

   We are all potentially ‘works of art’ that are never finished. Yes, works of art. No two alike. All potentially beautiful, inspirational, exemplary of what it means to live a meaningful life. But that will not happen by accident. 

  

  Your gift? Some ‘time’ to sit ‘quietly in a room alone’ and reflect. Reflect on your life. Reflect on who you were ‘becoming’ and on your ‘being-to-come’. 

Savor it.

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[i] The ‘availability heuristic’ is a behavioral trait that makes it difficult for humans to expect and deal with rare events that haven’t occurred in our lifetime or are without precedent.

Painting, Eleven, A.M., Edward Hopper, 1926.

Leisure

                                  Leisure-More valuable than work

Many surveys suggest that lawyers suffer from depression, drug abuse and alcoholism at a higher rate than the general public. We could guess at the reasons, but it likely comes down to being overworked. Abraham Lincoln said that "time is the lawyer's stock in trade." Therein lies the issue. How can lawyers both sell their valuable time, but also keep enough of it to enjoy life? Let's listen to Marcus as he guides the discussion about Aristotle's view of ‘leisure.’

"Recreation is not a secondary concern for a democracy. It is a primary concern, for the kind of recreation a people make for themselves determines the kind of people they become and the kind of society they build."-Harry Allen Overstreet, American philosopher

Audrey: "Where is Elizabeth? Isn't she going to join our confab today?"

Maureen: "I don't know, but we need to get started. I have to get back to work soon."

Marcus: "Elizabeth won’t be joining us today, she's too busy."

Jacob: "We are all too busy Marcus. All of us but you. You seem to have endless hours for doing what you want to do, versus what you have to do. Perhaps that's the benefit of getting older."

Audrey: "I think Jacob's right Marcus. The only reason I admire you is because you seem to be free to do what you want, and I'm not. Of course, I also admire your wisdom."

Marcus: "When I was a young lawyer, I was also too busy. I remember going for more than a year without reading any book outside of the law. It was only when my mentor admonished me to read, that I got back to enjoying some of the things that I did before I began practicing law. I began by reading what some of my favorite philosophers had to say about the importance of leisure, beginning with Aristotle, then moving on to Bertrand Russell.”

Maureen: "Did Aristotle consider leisure one of the virtues?"

Marcus: "No, but he did consider it one of the highest ideals for human activity and happiness. While Aristotle recognized the necessity of working to sustain oneself, and one's family, he also considered work the means to further the leisure activity that helps us to develop our full potential and thus our happiness. In other words work is not an end in itself, but a means to further the time we have for leisure activity. Our word leisure comes from the Latin verb ‘licere’ (to be allowed). In other words, leisure is the time you have to be free from the requirement to work and to choose how you spend it. Aristotle used the word ‘schole,’ which originally meant the time you could call your own and gave rise to our word "school." The ancient Greek philosophers believed that leisure was the basis for intellectual activity."

Audrey: "Well I sure am looking forward to when that day arrives. For now, it seems that my days are filled with nothing but work, with very little time left for recreation or leisure activities.”

Jacob: "I have to agree with you Audrey, even when I do have free time, it is taken up with doing the other things I need to do. I buy groceries and do other menial tasks, or passive activities like watching sports or mindless entertainment.”

Marcus: "Perhaps you are not using your leisure time wisely. For Aristotle, our leisure time must be used purposefully. For it is in the activities that we choose to do, and people we choose to spend time with, that help us to develop our full potential. Your leisure time is wasteful if you do not use it purposefully. As someone once said, ‘do not be ashamed of valuing your private life more highly than you do your work life.[1]’"

Maureen: "What type of activities did Aristotle consider to be most purposeful in using one's leisure time?"

Marcus: "Aristotle believed that literature and theater could offer us the best use of our leisure time. It not only serves to entertain us, but educate us. Indeed, for Aristotle a work of art is of high quality only if it can do both. Otherwise it is not a good expenditure of our time."

Jacob: "Marcus, were you able to find sufficient leisure time when you were a young lawyer? If so, how did you go about it?"

Marcus: "First, let me admit that it was not easy, but I started by prioritizing how to value my leisure time. I began reading every day, even if it was only for 10 minutes. And I decided to spend less time on passive activities, and more time recreating myself.”

Audrey: "What do you mean recreating yourself, Marcus?"

Marcus: "The word recreation, is derived from ‘re-create.’ So, if you think about your recreation time, as the time you can re-create yourself, you tend to use it more wisely. I came to realize that while my profession was as a lawyer, I had many other interests and goals far beyond practicing law. I started to give those some priority. By doing so, you lay the foundation for building a happy life, as opposed to just a successful life."

Maureen: "But isn't a happy life and a successful life the same thing?" 

Marcus: "No. I discovered that it was better to measure my life not by how successful I was, but how useful I was.[2] While being successful is important, it is oriented towards the self, being useful is orienting activity towards the world you inhabit. That includes your family, friends and the society in which you live. Re-creating yourself is merely the art of cultivating good values by spending your leisure time wisely, which enriches your friends, family and the society in which you live."

"Good nature is, of all moral qualities, the one that the world needs most, and good nature is the result of ease and security, not the life of arduous struggle." – Bertrand Russell

There are many reasons why our modern world places an emphasis on work and making money, but they are not grounded in achieving Aristotle's greatest good, which is happiness. Our society’s focus on work and efficiency has spilled over into our daily lives. We no longer value the ‘capacity for lightheartedness and play.[3] Too much of our time is spent on acquiring money for things we don't need, and that do not enrich our lives. Studies have regularly shown that once we acquire enough wealth to provide for our necessities and our families, happiness is does not come from the excess.

In his essay, In Praise of Idleness, Bertrand Russell writes “the modern man thinks that everything ought to be done for the sake of something else, and never for its own sake”. He goes on to write that “the advantages of leisure give ordinary men and women the opportunity of a happy life, making them more kindly and less persecuting, and less inclined to view others with suspicion.[4]" Aristotle would agree.

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[1] Diana Athill, An Editor’s Life.

[2] Attributed to Peter Drucker, the father of modern management theory.

[3] Bertrand Russell, In Praise of Idleness, p. 24, Simon and Schuster edition

[4] Id. at 29.

References: Edith Hall, Aristotle’s Way-How Ancient Wisdom Can Change Your Life, Ch 9 (which inspired this blog post).

Bertrand Russell, In Praise of Idleness (an essay I’ve returned to for inspiration for over 30 years).

Painting: Leisure Hours, by John Robertson Reid

Truth: The Keystone Virtue

The Mouth of Truth by Lucas Cranach the Elder, 1525-28

Truth is usually recognized as the principle issue in virtue ethics and the law. It is the ground from which all other virtues take nourishment, and without it whither and become meaningless. Indeed, the very touchstone of all philosophy, and arguably the ultimate aim of the law, is to ‘seek the truth.’ Yet in our culture and in the professional lives of lawyers it is too often intentionally hidden to avoid conflict, cover up our weaknesses, or to gain an advantage.  Yes, human beings lie, but should we? 

Volumes have been written on the subject of truth and lying, so we shall only touch upon the topic briefly here. Nonetheless, it is a topic worth deep professional and personal reflection. We hope you find the dialogue among Marcus and his students as useful as we do.

“Let no one deceive another" – the Buddha

Elizabeth: “Maureen why are you so upset?”

Maureen: "I’ve been dealing with lying lawyers lately. It’s so frustrating. Marcus, what do you advise we should do about lawyers who habitually lie to us?"

Audrey: "I treat them the same way. I just don't tell them the truth like I do with other lawyers. Do unto others…"

Jacob: "I tend to agree with you Audrey. I don't know that they can be rehabilitated, nor is it my job to do so. I don't see any advantage in treating them with honesty."

Marcus: "Maureen, your question raises a much broader, and more important issue, is lying ever justifiable?"

Elizabeth: "Marcus you can't be serious; your question goes too far. Virtually everyone lies about some things, some lying is necessary. It is society’s open secret that everyone lies. We tell people they look nice when they don't; we tell ‘white lies’ to avoid conflicts with friends, family, and even strangers; we fudge our accomplishments to make ourselves look better. I think this is generally known, and I don't think it's necessarily bad."

Marcus: "Lying is perhaps the most important issue that we've discussed, or rather the virtue of truth is often thought to be the most important of all the virtues. Why is this? Lying is the death of possibility. Whereas truth gives the possibility of having better relationships, seeing things more clearly, and of having a society worth living in."

Maureen: "That might be true in life, but not in practicing law. At least not in dealing with certain lawyers. Unfortunately, I think we regularly deceive one another with the belief it may give us some advantage. This is especially enticing because sometimes it does.”

Jacob: "I think that's probably the purpose of all lying Maureen. We think it gives us some advantage, some edge over another person, or in our lives generally. In the practice of law, we too readily accept it as part of our arsenal.”

Marcus: "Aristotle said ‘falsehood’ is in itself mean and culpable, and ‘truth’ is noble and worthy of praise.’[1] Put more simply, all lying is a form of betrayal. To this I would add that lying is not only the betrayal to another, but to one's self. When we lie, we are not being true to ourselves, or as others have put it, the person free from lying is free to be themselves in every moment.[2] More importantly perhaps, we benefit by telling the truth because it forces us to pay attention to what is true in each moment. We do not have to clutter our minds with trying to keep track of what we've claimed as true, and where we have lied."

Maureen: "That is all fine and good Marcus, but it still doesn't fully answer my question. I understand what you are saying, but don't see the advantage in being honest with someone that I know is not being honest with me."

Marcus: "Consider this possibility Maureen. What if you sat down with that lawyer and told her that you're reluctant to be honest with her, because you feel she is not being honest with you? A difficult conversation perhaps, but it relieves you from the burden of having to lie and might even cause the other person to reconsider their behavior.”

Audrey: "I've heard it said that one's quality of life improves with the number of difficult conversations one is willing to have. I think that is the case in this instance. So give it a try Maureen. What do you have to lose?”

Elizabeth: "I agree. It might sound like a cliché, but if communication is the key to good relationships, then lying is truly an impediment. No matter whether lying takes place in our personal relationships or professional ones. However, lying, whether white lies or not, seems to be such an embedded part of our society and personalities, so much so that I'm not sure we can overcome it, no matter how much we might want to."

Marcus: "I’ll agree that it makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint that lying could aid us in survival. When we were part of a small tribe, the key to survival was staying in everyone's good graces to make sure we had sufficient food and shelter. Perhaps that is why it feels so natural to regularly engage in minor acts of dishonesty. However, we no longer need to cling to that belief. There is no valid argument for dishonesty in almost any circumstance. We live in a large and vast society where it is much easier to find like-minded people. It is worth quoting Aristotle at length here: 

“Let us discuss… the truthful man. We are not speaking of the man who keeps faith in his agreements, ...but the man who in the matters in which nothing of this sort is at stake is true both in word and in life because his character is such.... For the man who loves truth, and is truthful where nothing is at stake, will still be more truthful where something is at stake; he will avoid falsehood as something base, seeing that he avoided it even for its own sake; such  a man is worthy of praise. He inclines rather to understate the truth; for this seems in better taste because exaggerations are wearisome.””[3]

Jacob: "How is it that the ancient Greeks saw the value of truth in all things, and especially as the underpinning of a good society, when today it seems as though falsehoods and lies are praiseworthy, especially by our leaders? Can a society continue to function if truth is not valued as a virtue?"

Marcus: "I am sure that Aristotle and the ancient Greeks would say no. Yet we must admit that dishonesty is a part of our culture, but that does not make it right. As the philosopher Spinoza said ‘a free man always acts honestly, not deceptively. The free man is one guided only by reason, which is universal; if reason allows for deception, then it would allow it always, and a free and virtuous society would be impossible.”[4]

Maureen: "Our discussion has given me much to think about, but first, I'm going to have that difficult conversation."

Audrey: "Wait. Marcus, you haven't answered the question of whether lying is ever justifiable."

Elizabeth: "I think that's a question we each have to answer for ourselves and in each situation. It's one that is vitally important to our own lives, and to the society in which we live and work. As lawyers, we also have to keep in mind the professional rules of ethics and out oaths as attorneys. As attorneys in Florida we took an oath which included the phrase:

I will employ for the purpose of maintaining the causes confided to me such means only as are consistent with truth and honor, and will never seek to mislead the judge or jury by any artifice or false statement of fact or law. "[5]

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom." - Thomas Jefferson

          It is very important as an attorney to zealously represent a client, however it is also important to keep up our own integrity for our own well-being and that of our profession. This is especially today where the term “fake news” is used as a self-evident truth by its mere utterance. The law should stand as a place for reason, and you cannot have unvarnished reason, without truth. It does our clients no benefit to hide facts from them, or the other side, which may come out later to bite us and it’s impossible to know the future. Temporarily gaining some advantage with a lie against an attorney will come back to you when you want that attorney to be honest with you. So, let us be better than our worst parts, and live truthfully in both our personal and professional lives. Our society and profession depend on it. 

References:

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[1]Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics, book IV.  

[2]Harris, Sam, Lying, p.31.
[3] Aristotle Nichomachean Ethics, Bk IV, ch.7.
[4] Spinoza, The Ethics, Bk IV.
[5] Oath of Admission to the Florida Bar

Friendship: When Is It Real?

Luncheon of the Boating Party by Pierre-Auguste Renoir, 1881

         The law does not recognize friendship in any meaningful sense.[1] However to many of us, our friends are closer to us than many or all of our family members. Aristotle said, “friendship is the mutual feeling of goodwill between two people.”[2] It is an act of loving one another. When there is too great a gap between that love for one another, friendship is impossible or does not last.[3] He also suggested that friendship can only be temporary when one friend becomes or is more virtuous than the other. Is this true? Is there a place for friendship in the law? In the workplace?

“He who has many friends has few.” – Aristotle

Jacob: "Where is Audrey? Is she going to join us today?"

Elizabeth: “I don't know. She left our firm a couple of months ago, and I haven't heard from her."

Jacob: "That’s odd. I thought you two were best friends."

Maureen: "So did I. You two were always in each other’s offices, working on cases together, and hanging out together.”

Marcus: "I haven’t heard from her either. I sent her an email to let her know we were getting together today, but she never responded."

Elizabeth: "Yeah me too. She told me she was very busy and would get back to me. I have to admit, I'm a little hurt. I thought we were more than just professional colleagues. Perhaps I was wrong, maybe we weren’t really friends after all."

Marcus: "I think we can often mistake professional colleagues for friends, but then again we have to define what we mean by friends. Aristotle believed that the number of people with whom we can sustain a relationship of friendship, or “perfect” friendship, with is very small. To develop that kind of friendship you have to spend a great deal of time with one another, participate in meaningful activities, and mutually beneficial pursuits. My guess is that this would not apply to most of the people we might refer to as friends."

Maureen: "I think it can sometimes be a mistake to consider office friends as close or best friends. There are certain things that are too sensitive to share in an office environment. For example, I think it can be a mistake to share deep feelings or family secrets with office colleagues, even if we consider them friends.”

Elizabeth: “Really? Why do you think that?”

Marcus: "I think Maureen makes a good point. An office environment does not lend itself to sharing the type of personal details in your life that you would normally share with a close friend. As I think back on my professional career, there have been maybe one or two people with whom I worked, that have remained close as friends. I shared many interests and spent meaningful time with them outside of the office.”

Elizabeth: "Come to think it there are so many types of friends. Office friends, acquaintances, best friends, close friends, etc. I think that the English language has too few nouns to clearly describe the different relationships we call friendships. We use descriptors and adjectives to fully express these different and often multifaceted relationships. Perhaps we even use the word friend too loosely, to fill in the gaps, when it's probably not the appropriate word."

Marcus: "Let’s explore this further. Aristotle believed that a genuine friend is someone who loves or likes another person for the sake of that other person and wishes them goodwill."

Jacob: "So, in order for someone to be a friend do we have to like them, or love them?"

Maureen: "That question gets at the heart of the different levels of friendship. I can think of many people who I refer to as friends, but I can't say that I love them. On the other hand, there are one or two friends who I can honestly say that I love. Their friendship is very different from most other people I might refer to as friends.”

Marcus: "We might be incapable as human beings of having more than a few true friends. Aristotle believed that despite living in large communities we can only have a few true friends, and this has been found to be true by modern science. Evolutionary psychologists have proposed that the larger a community grows, the strength of the bonding between people within groups systematically decreases. For example, most people have a very strong connection their family and very weak connection with their local barista they see almost daily. The average individual has the strongest relationships with only about 5 people at a time. Thus, even though we may know and consider as many as 150 people friends, there are only a handful with whom we develop close and meaningful relationships.”[4]

Maureen: "I find it fascinating when we discover something the classical thinkers pondered over and believed is confirmed by modern science. By using philosophical reasoning, Aristotle also concluded that we can only have a few meaningfully close relationships with a handful of people. And now you are saying modern science concludes that we do not have the psychological capacity to manage a large number of social relationships effectively beyond a group size that Aristotle established 2500 years ago.”

Marcus: "Exactly. Now let’s discuss what Aristotle had to say about the virtue of friendship. Aristotle found that the friendship of young people "seems to aim at pleasure; for they live under the guidance of emotion and pursue above all what is pleasant to themselves and what is immediately before them; but with increasing age their pleasures become different. This is why they quickly become friends and quickly cease to be so; their friendship changes with the object that is found pleasant, and such pleasures alter quickly."[5]

Elizabeth: "Hold on, Marcus I actually remember you telling us that as we age we will forget the names of people that we used to refer to as friends. We will not even be able to remember their faces. I remember Aristotle also said that "when the bloom of youth is passing, the friendship sometimes passes too." Maybe basic emotions and shared pleasures were the basis of my friendship with Audrey.

Marcus: "Aristotle believed that perfect friendship is the friendship of those who are good and alike in virtue. These types of friendship ‘require time and familiarity; as the proverb says, men cannot know each other till they had eaten salt together; nor can they admit each other to friendship or be friends until each has been found lovable and entrusted by the other.’[6] In spending this meaningful time together that they learn each other's virtues and that they see the world similarly and can experience it almost as one.”

“[The] complete sort of friendship between people [are those] who are good and alike in virtue...” Aristotle

Elizabeth: "I've heard it said that we are the average of the four people with whom we spend the most time. The older I get, the more I’ve found that to be true. I think if we hang out with those with similar virtues to ours, those relationships will reinforce those virtues in us.”

Maureen: "I've often wondered why we lose friends that at one time we seemed so close. Perhaps it’s just the passing of the bloom of youth as Aristotle described."

Elizabeth: "When I think about the friendships I had when I was younger, it seems as though the friendship just drifted off, or one of us seemed to change in a way that changed my feelings about that person."

Marcus: "Aristotle raised the question, "of whether friendships should or should not be broken off when the other party does not remain the same.”[7] I think Aristotle rightly observed that “most differences arise between friends when they are not friends in the spirit in which they think they are.”[8] Sometimes we deceive ourselves about someone's character, when they have done nothing wrong, rather our perception of them was wrong."

Elizabeth: "Yes I've experienced that. It's puzzling, but I think when it occurs we should not feel bad about giving up a friendship, and believing we haven't been a good friend. As Aristotle believed there was nothing wrong with breaking off a friendship when a friend has changed, and we are unable to save the relationship."

Jacob: "I do agree with Aristotle that we become the best of friends with those with whom we share virtues, which often seems just as simple as likes and dislikes. But we cannot truly get to know those virtues without spending meaningful time with one another.”

Marcus: "Yes Jacob, and I think Goethe summed it up by saying “friends enhance each other,” and having virtuous friends inspire us to become better people."

Elizabeth: "Now I think I have a better understanding of why Audrey and I weren’t the friends I thought we were. The professional setting doesn't really allow us to share a lot of meaningful time with another person and we were not spending a lot of time outside of work, really getting to know each other’s virtues. Our friendship was based on shared work experiences and professional virtues, but not life experiences or “real life” virtues. Those friendships are typically best left out of the office. But, I have to admit, I'm still a bit hurt that Audrey hasn't stayed in touch with me."

Marcus: "As am I Elizabeth, but I believe we are better to judge her professionally in this situation, rather than her virtue as a friend.”

“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood." - Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Just because the law does not recognize friendship, does not mean that we cannot hold friendships in a professional setting. However, we must recognize that these are few and far between. There is a reason that there are ethics rules against close ties with Judges or opponents or even clients. We must separate the friendships from our professional careers to better serve our clients and avoid the pitfalls of worrying too much about our personal relationships at work. Friendship is important part of the virtuous life. Ancient Greek philosophy believed the goal of life is to maximize happiness by living virtuously, by fulfilling your own potential as a human, and engaging with others, that is family, friends and fellow human beings, in mutually beneficial activities.[9] Doing this outside of work and often is essential to cultivating a loving friendship wherein you are both respectful and happy with your mutual virtues.

References: 

Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, Books VIII and IX.
Hall, Edith, "Why Read Aristotle Today?" Aeon, June 4, 2018, ^{https://aeon.co/amp/essays/what-can-aristotle-teach-us-about-the-routes-to-happiness} 
Phillips, Christopher, Socrates Cafe: A Fresh Taste of Philosophy.

West, Geoffrey, Scale: The Universal Laws of Growth, Innovation, Sustainability, and the Pace of Life in Organisms, Cities, Economies, and Companies, 304 – 307.

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Footnotes:

[1] Lawsuits may be brought by a “next friend” or guardian ad litem. See F.R.C.P. 17(a)(2). The rule goes on to state, “The court must appoint a guardian ad litem—or issue another appropriate order—to protect a minor or incompetent person who is unrepresented in an action.” Black’s Law Dictionary has no definition for a friend, but defines Next Friend as “the name given to a person who acts for a child in the court room.”

[2] Aristotle, Nichomeadean Ethics, Book VIII.

[3] Id.

[4] West, Geoffery, Scale, pp.304-07.

[5] Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, Bk. VIII.

[6] Id.

[7] Id.

[8] Id.

[9] Hall, Edith, "Why Read Aristotle Today?" Aeon.